The End is Far (absolutely not a misleading title)
by Gerard Cypriako
Summary: In an Indian row, the Rossum Ouniversal Cats followed their so-called Path of Glory, that actually lead to a New Forest-kind of woods, penetrating the ThunderClan territory.
1. Prologue

In an Indian row, the Rossum Ouniversal Cats followed their so-called Path of Glory, that actually lead to a New Forest-kind of woods, penetrating the ThunderClan territory.

By the way, it looks like I can't put this ≠ symbol in the title (nor in the reviews) so I'm just going to improvise

For newcomers, the Rossum Ouniversal Cats are a musical act that consists of 8 cats (even though they're marketed as seven) from different countries that write instrumental compositions. They don't really write, they just let their imaginations loose upon the DrumMachine. Ok, no; these eight fellas randomly hit notes on a computer or a synthesizer and, based on the results of those experimental breaks, they start crafting them, shaping them until they find it pleasing to their ears. Melodys, chord progessions. Songs. EPs. LPs. Albums. So far they've released FOUR studio albums: Rossum Ouniversal Cats, Deliderato, Dhiz izz Dubstep and Ecodelalma.

The latter's a goddamn masterpiece. They also sing and perform covers of other artists live, but you, you would never believe that part.

But all this puzzling information may not be much use for you, since you're into Warriors, so [pause] here's the highlights:

Rossum's Ouniversal Clan (eh?)

Leader: Fritz Perutz, a serene, diplomatic gray tabby that resembles a Korat cat, but is still striped. Vocal range: Four octaves and six tones.

Warriors (I'm assuming, since none of the remaining cats have kits):

-Eugène Schringendoer: A gray, slightly chubby Chartreux, that is empathetic, sympathetic, enthusiast...and very kind. Vocal range: Four octaves and five tones.

-Nassor Cypriako: A Bombay. A grump that sports a very unfriendly look and, nevertheless, can be pretty irreverent some times. Vocal range: Four octaves, four tones and a semitone.

-Priscila Downs: A Persian cat. One the two females of the group. Talented, kind of shy and insecure. Her snout is a bit long for a Persian cat, which makes her face real pretty. Vocal range: Four octaves and a half. Damn.

-Fmo Reyersback: European shorthair (that's her breed :/ ) She's white, with black fur spilled over her ears (and covering her right eye) and left...'flank' [?]. Intimidating, and sometimes sentimental. She gets a bit nostalgic when talking about her Filipino origins (I mean REAL nostalgic). Vocal range: same as Priscila. You're welcome.

-Tfeodor & Teofräst: Ginger tabby twins. Younger than all the above. That's it for today. Just for now. Vocal range? More like 'Tessitura: Talented!'

-Littley: A year-old European white and black shorthair (W before B 'cause I'm a rebel) that resembles Priscila because of his fur. Since he's surrounded by grown ups (or more aproppiately, teenagers), he learns fast and...er...If you have kids or have known any kids in your life, then there you go: he's a kid. Vocal range...: No one is completely sure, yet. He's voice can reach soprano levels, since he's still in development, so... A+

We're done by now, so keep reading. See you next year.

(which is like, in 4 days? )


	2. Chapter 1: Are we there yet?

"I've been kicked off my land at the age of sixteen

And I have no idea where else my heart could have been

I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill

And now I am sure my heart can never be sti-we're fucking lost, aren't we?"

This last remark was made by Tfeodor Bahr, a member of the worldwide famous octect Rossum's Ouniversal Cats.

"We are, Tfeodor, but pipe down. Keep singing, you were doing so well..." meowed Fmo.

The ensemble were walking forwards in a straight, vertical line.

"We are lost" repeated Tfeodor.

"Is it true, Fritz?" asked Littley.

"Is it true what?" Fritz wasn't in his regular mood.

"Are we lost?"

Fritz avoided the question and instead he demanded Eugène some little explanation:

"Eugène, could you remind me why we're here?"

"Our plane departed without us, so whilst we were waiting for the next one to arrive, Fmo suggested we visited a village where all cats that once lived here have been reported missing"

"Right. We were all curious".

"Yeah, that's why we all agreed to explore this...Nassor, have you got any words for me?"

"Thorp" replied the black Bombay. He was bored.

"That's a bit 'fallen into disuse' but it'll do. Thanks. That's why we all agreed to explore this thorp. 'Cause we're cats".

"Okay" mumbled Fritz. "And so far we've been to..."

"A park, two pubs, a fan convention and seven houses" said Priscila.

'And now we're leaving the area to enter these [oh god no] woods' thought Fritz to himself.

"What did you baptise this trail we've followed since we arrived this place, Fmo?"

"The Path of Glory"

"Right"

And everyone just grew silent. No one really suspected that Fritz was slowly losing it.

[...]

"We're lost" Nassor abruptly killed off that silence.

"Stop insisting that! You're making me anxious!" claimed Fritz.

"Is it really bad to be anxious?" Littley wanted to know.

"No" answered an embarrassed Fritz "but I brag of being able to keep my calm cool at all circumstances. But this is too much."

"Anything we can do that'll help you out?" Littley again.

Littley is cheerful and playful most of the times, but now he was solemn and serious, trying to be respectful to Fritz.

"Aww. Thanks Littley. You know what? We're not virtually lost"

Nassor rolled his eyes.

Fmo couldn't care less.

Eugène thought those were good news.

"In fact, we won't be lost until we penetrate those woods" Fritz continued.

They all stopped before that broad, haunted forest they talked about earlier.

And, without considering it, they went in.

"Okay, now we're in".


	3. Listen closely: this ain't a chapter

Before I continue, and actual Warrior characters appear, I've got to get facts straight:

One hour of endless research and I'm still real confused. How can someone get along with so many characters? I mean, Dear God. This didn't happen to me with GoT or The WD comics. So let me get things clear (spoilers ahead, in case you haven't read the latest Dawn of the Clans book yet):

-Plenty of deaths took place recently, including Petal's , Tom's , One Eye's, Morning Whisker's , Half Moon/Stoneteller's, and Clear Sky's dignity's (R.I.P.)

-About two moons passed since the last book (which equals two months, I guess)

-Some you-who dingus that goes by the name Snake will be the final foe of the Dawn of the Clan series.

-Graywing realises the forest will be divided now in five groups, hence the title of the next installment in the saga, A Forest Divided. Derp.

-AcornFur and SparrowFur survive the book.

-Foxes are STILL a threat for feral cats.

Well that was a mindfuck...

[...]

So here's my situation. I think I'm going to need help. If someone, [like, possibly you] could teach me everything I need to know to resemble the books' style as much as possible, it would be so great...If you teamed up with me, together we could even write A Forest Divided before it comes out! We could make history.

Please. I don't want to make shit up. I've learned stuff like Warrior slang, how Warriors come up with their names, how Clans are diveded, who is still alive...With a little push, I could make my fic HAPPEN.

Thanks for the views. Don't review. It's still not ready. I'm not ready. I need you.


	4. Chapter 2: You may call me

6 pm, and the nightsky had stubbornly appeared.

"Alright. We're all now in serious..." started Fritz, contemplating the fucking high tree tops from the ground.

"Shit" completed Teofräst.

"Won't say that" declared Fritz. "That sounds pretentious"

"Dross?" suggested the ginger tabby.

"Yep. We're all in serious dross".

"Because...?" Priscila didn't really agree with that statement.

"Predators, Pris. And bugs that possess rats" said Nassor, unamused. It wasn't such big of a deal for him.

"You serious?" Littley turned to Nassor.

"I've heard the latter don't harm cats, but for the record, what you hear is what you get".

By now, the line they formed had been morphed into an odd noodle.

"Fmo, maybe it's time to make a circle, if we ARE lost" proposed Priscila.

Everyone obeyed, except the leader of the band.

Fritz subtletly started breathing heavily. He looked down.

The rest of the Ouniversal Cats had already formed their circle, with Fritz inside it, while they payed attetion to him, without making any sounds, just so they didn't miss anything that was going on with his- leader.

Fritz scratched the dry grass like it had some sort of itch.

"This grass is...not answering me?" he inquired to his family, nervously.

They all nodded; they didn't understand what in the ungo-728372920 holy hell was going on, but they knew that they shouldn't panic.

"I feel" Fritz kept saying "like I'm about to... =x.x=" he managed to meow before dropping unconscious.

Now, the Cats were seriously alarmed.

"FRITZ!"

"Dear, can you HEAR ME?"

"ARE YOU BREATHING FRITZ?"

"YOUBETTERNOTBEMOCKINGAROUNDI'DGETREALLYFUCKINGANGRY"

"Gerald? Gerald are you there?"

"Can you FEEL THIS?" Priscila poked the inert tom in the ribs. Nowt.

The rest of the cast did the same.

"YOU FEEL THIS, HUH? ARE YOU DERIVING PLEASURE OFF OF THIS?" they all shouted hopefully.

Priscila proceeded to lick him.

"PLEASEFRITZPERUTZJUSTQUITITIT'SNOTFUNGODDAMI-:/!¿'"¡?š1^¥$£~\{[+={=w=}

"ENOUGH!" ordered a voice that was far from the murder scene.

Suddenly, and conveniently, the felines stopped.


	5. Chapter 3: Be free or die

"What is going on?"

Graywing had to interrupt his chat with Smallfang about an odd pattern that he found on various elements of nature, most recently in a cobweb.

He was hearing desperate cries and wails, so he felt it had to be an urgency (but he knew, on the other hand, that it wasn't. He'd learned it perfectly since that apalling, grim twilight...)

As fast as he could, he followed the screams, and it turned out it was just his brothers, contemplating an untidy scene. Scene...

"Hey, Gray. Glad you're here" greeted happily ClearSky.

"We're watching these cats trying to bring a dead body to life" clarified JaggedPeak.

"Have we seen them before?" mouthed GrayWing.

"I don't think they belong to another clan, according to their stench. They smell like heavy, dark fog."

"That's fine by me, I don't care. I'm leaving now." GW was ready to depart. It had all been just a waste of time.

"GrayWing, wait! Don't you think that the fact that they ARE inside our boundaries is suspicious?" meowed ClearSky.

"I don't want to find out; now, you two, back to your duty."

"What if they can join the clan?"

"Why? To replace the warriors we've lost in the past moon?"

"Please, Gray. This might be our lucky day!"

"Yeah, Gray. Just look at them: one, two, three...seven!" JaggedPeak tried to coax him as well.

"They're eight" Graywing was pretty much unamused.

"We're begging you!" Sky persisted.

"What if they're kittypets, hmm? Some two-leg might be looking for them."

"Seriously, Gray. Just think about how our spirits of the past looked down to kittypets as if they were weaker or dumber, as if they were unequal, and how many kittypets proved them wrong" ClearSky was doing his best.

"Let me *talk* to them" GrayWing gave up. Not really. "You stay here; if I need you, I'll give you a call".

The wisecat approched the foreigners, who still were frozen in infinity.

"Enough!" he yelled at them "Listen. You alright? You are disturbing us and our area. What's the matter?"

The seven R.O. Cats surrounding Fritz were a bit shocked and beffudled (that tom with the torn ear...authoritary for sure) but one managed to meow back:

"S'up, mate?" mouthed the green-eyed Chartreux.

"..."

"What's up?" Eugène demanded again, but more loosely.

"You just called me mate?" GrayWing was DIS-CON-CER-TED. (Go me)

"What's up, sir?" Eugène, just like the rest of the cast, was now relaxed. The menace was gone. Their SpiderSense cut its tingling. Everything was cool. What had them scared to bits was just some random-ass dark gray cat.

"Sir...That's more like it. Mate..." the latter echoed inside Graywing's brain "What's with the body you're...?"

"Oh, him. He's fine. Fritz sometimes collapses when attacked by very strong feelings or when he puts lots of effort into holding a note for too long. Although it's no laughing matter, the vet has checked him out and she said it doesn't harm him in anyway" Eugène ended his explanation with a tiny smirk.

"Fritz?" Graywing only got half of the elucidation "That's not Fritz. He was black and whi..."

"It's a common name" meowed Fritz, opening his eyes.

"FRITZ!" his family cheered.

"Great" purred Graywing "You woke up. Now pay atten-"

"Wing, what is taking you too long?!"

¶

Two more pusses came out of nowhere and stood by Graywing's left side.

"Greetings, fellow kittypets" meowed JaggedPeak.

The now eight R.O. Cats broke their circle and arranged themselves in an hortizontal line, by alphabetical order.

"Hello to you, too" meowed Fmo politely. "...Kittypets?"

"Oh, no. We're not kittypets, you are!" replied JaggedPeak.

"How would you...how did you deduce that?"

"Simple" the blue-eyed gray tabby came closer to Priscila, instead of Fmo, for some reason? "That fella over there that resembles me, he's got a kittypet name"

"What are we that you aren't, guys? Why are WE the kittypets?" Nassor was a bit curious.

"Don't you belong to a two-leg home?" ClearSky spoke too.

"Two-leg home?" Eugène purred sharply "Actually we...two-legs are people?"

"Two-legs are two-legs" affirmed Clear...Sky "In two they have stood and in two they'll stand forever. They've got upper legs hanging from their torso, y'know. Like trees"

Eugène blinked.

"Yeah, then we must be kittypets. I just think we wouldn't really qualify; we don't have personal owners no more"

Ok, so far we've covered ClearSky and JaggedPeak...GrayWing, he's next. Um...

"Whatever. Point is you don't belong here but you are here"

All R. exchanged looks and muttered stuff like "True","He's right","Oh, sure","Yeah, but it's nice here","Don't fucking remind me", etc. Etera.

"And what should we do? We arrived here because of an accident. We must return to catch our plane" Fmo admitted.

"Actually, we're here thanks to curiosity and imprudence. You know, cat things." added Fritz.

"We feel sorry for you and your plain, but there's no going back. You'll never see the twolegs again, right Gray?" mewed JaggedPeak phlegmaticly.

"No. No, that's not how it works" sighed Littley "The woods are open to everyone, so anyone can get in and out whenever wanted"

"It's really, really dangerous and hard out here. Predators. Other felines. Tragedies. You kittypets are extremely vulnerable to this kind of atmosphere" ClearSky asseverated.

"And what about you?" asked Priscila meekly "You are cats, like us. Cats don't live in the wilderness. You live here?"

"We're different" insisted Sky.

"If you don't live here, but are able to make it, then we will, too. But it doesn't matter, 'cause we're returning to the town, our fans, our manager and finally, our homeland"

ClearSky turned his back on Priscila. GrayWing had done the same long ago, since he was just too old to give fucks. Those whiny kittypets would sure fall for the snare his brothers were building up. The two stood up, ready to go away from those strangers.

"It's not hard to process: you can't leave! You are officially extinct to them!" Jagged Peak announced. And then he joined his brothers and prepared to depart.

'How come kittypets always react to news like these the exact same way every single time?' he told himself.

"Then, we're your responsability from now on" Nassor gruffed (not an actual verb).

All three sons of QuietRain turned to him.

"I know all of you know the way back to town, and I know you willingly are keeping the answers to our prayers to yourselves just so we can stay" Nassor declared.

JaggedPeak, Graywing and ClearSky limited to look confused.

"Why'd you come to that concl...?" started ClearSky before he was cut by the Bombay:

"I never miss anything."

Sky and JaggedPeak exchanged looks. GrayWing grinned. It had worked.


	6. Chapter 4: Brain in a bottle

"So, where are we going?" asked Littley.

"We're taking you to Windclan" meowed GrayWing nonchalantly "They're the only ones that would accept you"

"What are your names?"-Littley again.

"It doesn't matter" answered Jagged Peak "you won't be hearing from us anytime soon. But we, we'd like to know your names"

"Mine's Littley"

"...As in Little?" pondered JaggedPeak. That's an odd name, but that confirmed his theory about those rascals' origins.

"As in Tiny, like Scourge" commented Sky.

"Tiny is your stage name in the UK, isn't it, Littley?" purred Fritz.

"Yeah, Fritz D:"

"Or as in Shorty" completed Graywing.

"There have been pussies with names like mine before? Like, here?" Littley wanted to make sure.

"Yes. Nothing special" said JaggedPeak in a contumelious tone. "We've had a Fritz before as well."

"You see, you're not as unique as you think you are. You're just normal kittypets, like the ones that have arrived, slept, eaten, mated, grown and died in this cruel, savage, merciless forest."

"Wait a sec" Nassor unexpectedly turned around and rushed at the opposite direction.

"That one over there is Nassor" purred Eugène.

"There's already been a tom named Hasser here. See? Nothing out of the norm" Sky repeated.

"Guys, I think we should stop until Nassor gets back" suggested Priscila.

"It's not necessary, Pris. He's not a dickhead. Plus, I'm pretty sure why he left" Eugène calmed her down.

"We're newcomers: we know little about this place. How can we assure he'll survive his 'quick escape'?" she went on, worriedly.

"He survived MacMiller- he'll get past anything."

"We can appreciate you care for him, kittypets" mewed GrayWing approvingly.

"We do, but he'll be fine. Let's keep walking" finished Eugène.

¶

"Fritz, Eugène, Nassor, Preetzcila, Fmo, Tfeodor, Teofräst and Littley. Pretty. Odd."

"Right, Sky?" JaggedPeak purred eerily.

"Here we do stop" declared GrayWing "These open moors, Windclan, are the parting of our ways. You will become part of Clan, and you will be taught about whatever position you're assigned to. K?"

"K" replied the Rossum Ouniversal Cast.

"Fine. Ah, Nassor. Just in time"

Nassor approached pushing a heavy, square, plastic box.

I knew it!, thought Eugène.

"What will teach us what clan whudda what?"

^ "Nassor, fellow kittypets: try to find a tabby tom with amber eyes and a scar in one ear that goes by the name Onestar"

"Onestar. Got it" Nassor understood.

"See you. Peak, Sky: let's go. Our duty is done"

[...]

"Any idea of how heavy a fucking simple Akai Pro model drum box can be?" Nassor bitched.

¶

"You see, this is one of the few times a whole bunch of outsiders volunteers to join the clan to push it forward and make it grow stronger and more powerful. This is strange, like, for me. This is sort of an opportunity given to the community by Starclan itself. Such a coincidence and such great news at the same time!" Onestar proclaimed.

The Rossum Ouniversal Cast meowed a collective 'Thanks, sir'. It was already night time.

"You're welcome"

"So let's see if I remember everything" blurted Fritz "You, Onestar, are the leader. LilyWish is the deputy. Smoketail is the medicine cat. There are currently twenty-two warriors, and seventeen of them have an apprentice. Six elders, and two queens"

"Don't forget the kits" Fmo warned him ^.

"Those would be five kits".

"Listen, right now you're about to join Windclan, but we'll delegate each one of you to a specific charge. The creepily similar ginger toms and the tiny one over there, they're to young to become apprentices" asserted Lilywish "The three males, they will all train to become warriors. And the females, they're more likely to be nursing cats, judging by that tale you told us"

"Some rich twoleg wanted his cat to have my kitties, and since I gave birth early this year, Fmo suggested me to feed stray kitties and newborns whenever possible, so yeah. I could be a nursing cat" Priscila meowed softly "Fmo decided to do the same, as the altruistic being she is"

Fmo nodded.

"Yeah...interesting story" Lilywish thought those were some batshit insane, messed up kittypets.

"You better start choosing you names" purred Onestar to the R.O. Cast.

"Choosing?" Lilywish must've had misheard something. "Onestar, newcomers don't chose. You must adjudge them their new names"

"I'm in a good mood today. I'll let them choose"

Fritz, Eugène and Nassor's faces enlightened with excitement and possibility

"I'll go with Supersoaker!"

"Fritz!" moaned the plump Chartreux "Goddamit, you took mine"

"You always get away with it" commented Nassor.

"Supersoaker" echoed Onestar.

"What kind of a name is that?" Lilywish threw shade at Fritz's choice, horrified.

"It's intimidating and fascinating" mewed Onestar placidly.

"Okay. Then I'll have to stick with...er..." Eugène scrutinised his surroundings "Oh, I got it! Myxomatosis"

"What?" Lilywish was obliviously puzzled.

"It's a disease" specified Eugène "Rabbits get it."

"See? Nothing against the rules" said Onestar coolly to her deputy. She did not respond.

"Shit, that one's a good one too" Nassor found himself out of ideas.

"Maybe you can go with BlackShit" Fritz told him.

Nassor flashed his middle finger at him ^ .

"In all seriousness...mmm...Mmm...Helena...B...Beat."

"Helena Beat? That sounds a bit femenine" interjected Fritz.

"I like Foster The People" replied Nassor,

"Good thing you like fostering, Helena Beat" Lilywish meowed sarcastically.

"If that's the case, you may keep that name" authorised Onestar "I don't think I've ever found a Helena Beat in the wild"

Saved, Nassor told himself. Thanks, Lilywish.

"I'm gonna go with Grouplove" purred Priscila.

"Accurate!" observed Fmo.

Lilywish felt infuriated.

"I'll be Buddy Holly" Tfeodor said.

"That makes sense" remarked Onestar.

"You listen to The Crickets?" Grouplove asked him. (I couldn't write that with a straight face"

"Weezer" he responded.

"Great! What about you, Teofräst?"

"Mine will be Hash Pipe" he announced.

"You too/two? How brilliant is that?" Priscila couldn't believe it.

"Now, what's Hash, Grouplove?"

"Hash is...er...a plant, Onestar".

"And you, tiny one? What's your name?" the light brown tabby asked Littley (that was-redundant.)

"Um...Ooh! I'll be Absinthe Sun!"

"I'm done" Lilywish gave up, turned around and left. She was done.

"Absinthe?"

"Sure, Mr. Onestar. Called 'the green devil' as well, Absinthe is a highly alcoholic bevarage. I like to think about myself as a toxic being, even though I'm tame and young" confessed Littley, I mean, Absinthe Sun.

"Supersoaker, Myskomatatos, Helena Beat, Grouplove, Buddy Holly, Hash Pipe and Absinthe Sun. Who am I missing? Fmo! You haven't decided already?"

"Sorry, Onestar. I can't think of anything"

"Well, dear, since the night has fallen, and you've got considerably long claws, you'll be Nightclaw"

Fmo sighed.

"Alright. Still. I like it."

"Good to know"

"That's what you get for lacking creativity" Helena Beat jokingly whispered to the twins, in a severe tone. "You can't come up with anything original, you get baptised like a fucking Indian"

"Oh" the ginger cats exclaimed.

"And you, Littley, you should've known better. Green is not a creative color" Helena Beat adviced Asbinthe Sun.

"Fuck" was the answer from the latter.

"Just kidding"

" :3 "

[...]

"Follow me, I'll tell you where will you sleep officially. You three better rest. Tomorrow you'll begin your training. Remember you will earn your Warrior names once you become such. Sorry, Nightclaw" the WindClan leader spoke one last time.

"It sucks, since I now came up with Isla Bonita" Nightclaw told PrisGrouplove.

"Hold on" mewed Eugène "Does that mean that I'll have to change the extremely awesome name I put a lot of effort coming up with within two minutes after I upgrade?"


End file.
